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IVF - First TimeThe first attempt,so new,and hopeful
Also a bit naive
The nasal spray,the hormone tablets,the injections
The blood tests,the mood swings,the timetable,the pessaries
The hopes and dreams
The ultrasounds to check egg follicles,the trigger injection
The egg collection,the sperm specimen
Then the fertilisation in a petri dish,and the wait to grow to blastocyst/embryo
So then the first embryo transfer-fresh,the rest frozen
Then the WAIT,the fucking horrible wait
Did it work? Am I pregnant? I want to be excited,don't get too excited
Waiting-DID IT WORK? DID IT WORK?
Hopeful-fucking horrible waiting
Waiting for the test day
The test day comes
I have the blood test to see if it worked,to see if I am PREGNANT
Am I pregnant? I hope I am so much
Everyone waiting and hoping-IS SHE PREGNANT?
Am I pregnant?
The phonecall comes
So nervous,so final,YES or NO? Please be yes,PLEASE BE YES,please be yes
I'm trying to be so strong,it's so difficult
I answer the phone-hopeful,so hopeful and nervous
[transmissions of a dead girl]i am the
moon: i am
the silver pill
to weigh down
into leaden eyes--
i am the
of the dark.
the stars are
all dead in their
you'll be safe, dear,
as i am the moon,
with all of your
(i am good bye and yet,
you think only of romantic
i am the moon.
i am the crescent
and dead altogether,
i still die.
All Here For A ReasonI turned onto a shady, well-manicured driveway that, for all intents and purposes, looked harmless enough. Maple trees lined both sides of the street, and a parade of Canadian geese marched across the road to a wide duck pond with a flamboyant fountain. There were blooming crepe myrtles and rose-of-sharons, and as I grew closer to my destination, neatly trimmed gardens with neatly trimmed bushes.
I stopped to let the geese pass. They looked at me; one hissed. I honked my horn and moved around them.
At the end of the road sat a collection of grayish buildings and a number of signs directing me to the appropriate parking lot. "Welcome to Ten Creeks Hospital," said one of them. "Please enjoy your stay." I parked in the visitor's lot. Surely I wouldn't be staying.
I was shaking when I got out of my car. I had spent the morning getting high. One foot in front of the other, flip-flop noises, hot sidewalk. Mulberry and magnolia trees, freshly shaved grass. A bench and pan for smokers. A set o
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